this past week has been an insanely tough week for me.
ever since i found out last week that my Wayah, my grandpop, passed away
this spiralling that i have been doing seemed to intensify.

i feel like i've been riding an emotional rollercoaster that goes too high, moves too fast and is just too much for my stomach to take.
my mind went on to explosion overdrive and since friday i have been trying to keep up this facade of happiness.
it gets harder each and every day.

i have been breaking down everyday.
everyday i wake up and i start crying.
i know that shows weakness; extreme weakness.
who has zero capabilities to control their tears?
i don't know whether i've just given up trying to control my tears.

but i know this for sure.
i lost an incredibly important person in my life
and i miss him so much it hurts.
i have come to accept that it was for the best.
he was in pain here, and now he's in a better place. he's not in pain anymore
and i couldn't ask for anything more; wayah, i hope you're happy wherever you are.

but even though i have come to accept the fact that he is gone
it doesn't change the fact that it still hurts.
and to put it bluntly, it still sucks.
and there is only one thing that's making it worse: the fact that immigration are insensitive assholes and won't do anything to speed up the renewal of my student visa, or to help me in anyway to travel for one week to be present at my grandfather's funeral.

so this i write:

Dear God,
If you could do one thing for me in my life right now, please let this immigration thing be sorted.
Please let me be there for my grandfather's funeral.
Please let me be there with my family to let him go and say bye to him.
I don't want to have to wait till the end of the year.
I know it's selfish, but this is really important to me and thinking about not being there with my family, especially my father, shatters me.
I am breaking down.
I will give anything to be there with my family at this time when I need them so much; when we all need each other.
So please God, please? Please let this happen.

xx