Black Dresses.

this past week has been an insanely tough week for me.
ever since i found out last week that my Wayah, my grandpop, passed away
this spiralling that i have been doing seemed to intensify.

i feel like i've been riding an emotional rollercoaster that goes too high, moves too fast and is just too much for my stomach to take.
my mind went on to explosion overdrive and since friday i have been trying to keep up this facade of happiness.
it gets harder each and every day.

i have been breaking down everyday.
everyday i wake up and i start crying.
i know that shows weakness; extreme weakness.
who has zero capabilities to control their tears?
i don't know whether i've just given up trying to control my tears.

but i know this for sure.
i lost an incredibly important person in my life
and i miss him so much it hurts.
i have come to accept that it was for the best.
he was in pain here, and now he's in a better place. he's not in pain anymore
and i couldn't ask for anything more; wayah, i hope you're happy wherever you are.

but even though i have come to accept the fact that he is gone
it doesn't change the fact that it still hurts.
and to put it bluntly, it still sucks.
and there is only one thing that's making it worse: the fact that immigration are insensitive assholes and won't do anything to speed up the renewal of my student visa, or to help me in anyway to travel for one week to be present at my grandfather's funeral.

so this i write:

Dear God,
If you could do one thing for me in my life right now, please let this immigration thing be sorted.
Please let me be there for my grandfather's funeral.
Please let me be there with my family to let him go and say bye to him.
I don't want to have to wait till the end of the year.
I know it's selfish, but this is really important to me and thinking about not being there with my family, especially my father, shatters me.
I am breaking down.
I will give anything to be there with my family at this time when I need them so much; when we all need each other.
So please God, please? Please let this happen.

xx

i feel like something is missing.
i feel it at the pit of my stomach. i felt it the minute i woke up this... well, afternoon.
and perhaps that could be a reason why i'm feeling this way. the fact that i slept at 7am doing nothing.
and waking up at1pm. just doesn't sit right.
it's not normal.
IT'S NOT FUNCTIONAL.

i feel like something has been taken away from me. except i don't know what.
i feel ike things will continually be taken away from me. till God knows how long.
and it's giving me a very uneasy feeling in my stomach.in my chest. right below where my ribcage ends. starts. whatever you want to call it.
but smach dab in the centre of my chest.
it's making me ridiculously uneasy.

it's making me feel like i really need to get my act together or else i won't make it.
i know, haven't i been saying that since the beginning of fucking time?
have i not done anything?!
i'm losing myself.
every single second of every single fucking day.
i'm losing myself.
i'm losing control.
and everything i do to counteract this loss of control, fails me. and makes me spiral into even deeper chaos.

VICIOUS CYCLE, stop.
i can't do this anymore....

xx

inpursuitofhappiness.

why is it that some people have the chance to be so perpetually happy, yet i am constantly miserable?
contrary to what might seem like popular belief, i do not enjoy in the least bit being miserable.
but it's constant.
i feel like a hamster running an enclosed wheel; no escape.
happiness is but a fleeting mirage that seems to leap over my hill but instead bounds onto the next.

i look at him, him who i was so torturously involved with for 7 months and he's now in a relationship. happy.
i should be infuriated and insulted that it wasn't me. 7 months of hanging onto something that he obviously didn't want and i was desperate to have.
putting aside everything in my life and actually placing him first.
hoping that maybe one of those days he'd want to actually be in a relationship with me. it never happened.

but i'm not infuriated and i'm not insulted. not anymore.
i do constantly wonder what's wrong with me. why i wasn't good enough.
and the past few month's worth of posts are testimony to those thoughts.
and i thought i had gotten over wondering what's wrong with me.

but this weekend has gotten me back to square one.
and i know i just met you. and i know that it was really only one night of enjoying each other's company.
but that is actually what upsets me so much.
which fucking confuses me ridiculously. because i thought we were enjoying each other's company.
i thought we were having a good time kissing, laughing, talking about silly things.
you seemed so nice.

and i hoped [HOPE, it kills me everytime]. i believed that hey, this could be the start of something good.
apparently, you had other things in mind.
and today's barely minimal exchange brought me down faster than you could say Up!.

and i'm back to wondering what the hell went wrong?
i was happy for a little while; i was ready for happy to stay.
then i remembered: happiness is only a mirage.

Currently Man on the Moon: The End of Day By Kid Cudi see related

bad habits.

Currently In Cold Blood By Truman Capote see related

friends?